Right to Resent

Everywhere there is resentment. You need to give up.

This is a whiplash thought I believe came from God. I have been a swirl of emotions in these past few weeks. What with all the fighting with my wife, changes in the job and elevation in ministry. I am up and down through the week.

But the pain I felt yesterday was not because of my experience but rather my resentment in that I could not rest. That at the moment when there was a chance for me to put down my guard yet another attack is level against my mind, my heart, and my well-being.

As I have journeyed to do right. I see in my lack. A lack much too sufficient for what I believe to be my calling. But my pastor encouraged me to do something that I thought I was doing. Press on.

It surprised me to know resentment is and can be the very foundation for hatred. No wonder why I am sick and slow. I am bottling up all of this on regular basis. And excusing it by holding on to what I think is fair and unfair to my situation.

The basis of this emotion and a lack of trust in God and willingness to submit to his plan for my life. I have said it many times. Perhaps God is using this circumstance to bring up what is in my heart and mind.

As I reflect on the theme of the well. There is burrowing that is taking place. And certain levels requires harder tools and more intense moment to open the aquifer. The prayer I prayed for the well springing up into everlasting life. The deep well that I asked for is being given and I have been ungrateful for what has been handed me. God's ways are so beyond and past finding out.

RetroActive Reflection
37 In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.

38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.

39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.)

There an important piece here. It's not that belief is the work. It is itself the instrument through which God is glorified. 

How then shall we live?

I find within myself the need to purge. As He burrows the layers of my heart the water what I take unto myself cause unsightly things to rise. The lack of pressing on leaves me with only the bad stuff but the process is not complete. I yet have to lie still and remain committed until he performs in me what I desire. Even as the burrow reveals the unsightly thing it invites the best thing to come forth.

Lord,

Give me the patience to be still. Teach me how to surrender. Your Son was obedient even to the point of death. You have not asked me to live. You have asked me to commit suicide and die. So if I do mortify the deeds of the flesh, then I shall live. I sense it now. The old is dying and new life is coming. It doesn't feel like because of its diluted with my resentment, bitterness, pain, doubt, and fear. But I am consistently reminded that your call to come is standing call. It's not one-time situation it is an invitation to come and stay. And allow you to stay with me. LORD. I invite you in.

Please let me make sure you have space to do what you want.

I am yours.

Rough Thoughts

The other day I was on my way home and young lady that I was working with was walking down the street.

I offered her a ride an immediately became convicted. We talked about her walking and what her I did for fun. But I was ever aware of my temptation to challenge the boundaries.

I can't help but think that this may happen more often. Close quarters with my own issues. I spent some time that evening drowning the feeling out with social media and YouTube. But yet still this aching feeling my heart that I made a mistake.

I know I did I let on to my level of attraction to her, but I know how I am. I get hype for the first two three weeks and then it fades as I see who the person is. The feeling is much weirder than I thought would be. And honestly very scary because the thought is I could get away with it.

But I couldn't because I am sloppy so I better not even go down that path. Its the water from a different cistern thing. Of course stolen waters are sweet. But losing the rest of your life over it doesn't make sense at all.

Here this morning I receive a warning about how I should interact with her. Other things I can do if I do offer ride. (Like to mayfield and instead of windermere.). But he reminded me close contact loses the battle.

I recently came across and ad that identified cancer in the woman. And I saw the man cutting his hair and tattoo over his chest to reflect what she looked like in an effort to show solidarity. But I sickening thought came to my mind.

How would I handle myself if I lost my wife to cancer? I'm swallowing my throat. Fear grips my mind with this thought. But it occurs to me that life is precious.

That this that I have is gift. To have wife that loves me and daughter to care for I just want

Midday

" There yet things that yet to be submitted to me. It important that you keep your knee bent as I elevate you. I will cover you. I have already anointed you a pastor but that knee bent is key"



19 Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews, came Jesus and stood in their midst and said unto them, “Peace be unto you.”
20 And when He had so said, He showed unto them His hands and His side. Then were the disciples glad when they saw the Lord.
21 Then said Jesus to them again, “Peace be unto you. As My Father hath sent Me, even so send I you.”
22 And when He had said this, He breathed on them and said unto them, “Receive ye the Holy Ghost.
23 Whosoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whosoever sins ye retain, they are retained.”
24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.
25 The other disciples therefore said unto him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said unto them, “Unless I shall see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into His side, I will not believe.”
26 And after eight days the disciples were again within, and Thomas was with them. Then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be unto you.”
27 Then said He to Thomas, “Reach hither thy finger and behold My hands, and reach hither thy hand and thrust it into My side: and be not faithless, but believing.”
28 And Thomas answered and said unto Him, “My Lord and my God!”
29 Jesus said unto him, “Thomas, because thou hast seen Me, thou hast believed. Blessed are they that have not seen and yet have believed.”
30 And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of His disciples, which are not written in this book.

"Need to take page out of your book. Anything submitted you need to ask for what you need of me so that I may prove you." " Dont play patty cake...ask for what you need."

 There so many elements to the passage and what he said to me. The one thing that stood out was the context in which he breathed on them and received the holy spirit.

Then while listening to the music

Verse of the Day

John 16:24

Hiterhto have ye asked nothing in my name: Ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

Is it possible that I have not being paying attention not hearing my own voice. I can have all the fullness of God. Can I have all of what God has for me. Jesus said " Until this point you have not asked for a thing in my name, try it out. See if I dont work in you."

HUGE reality check. The caliber of my prayer has clocked in a major 3 out of 10. My vision is just too small.

Prayer

Not going to act like I like what I heard this morning because I didn't. But I am glad I heard it. I need the filling your spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues. I need your power to chase the enemy out of mind, my heart and body. You presence daily to combat the attacks that the devil leverages on my wife and daughter. Give me BIG faith. Ask for healing and see it performed. Ask for peace and see it happen. Ask for strength and get it right then. Most of all. Give me OH God your spirit.

Status Quo will not do. Touch my mind. Touch my heart. Put your hand on my hand as I go. Move me in my heart speak with passion and fervor. Complete clarity in speech and diction. Empty me of all sin, as I stand before you blameless and without fault. Cleanse my hands and my heart. Purify my heart. TODAY. Right now.

Help me find my way to you. In every situation find my way to your will. I am yours. I belong to you. I have expectancy that you give me double portion of my grandfathers spirit dexterity in your word and understanding. Insight and revelation in the knowledge of you.

Open my schedule so that I can execute prayer. Lord grant me a job that pays me 16-20 bucks and hour and space to engage my wife and daughter. I rebuke the foul spirits of sexual perverseness hang on me and my wife and my daughter. The blood of Jesus is against you. Crack open the wall of rebellion as yield my heart and mind to you. Open my eyes to your will and your way. Teach me to love you.

Lord I ask these in your name.

Monday Fast

Last Night

The Lord moved mightily in the service on Sunday. And ask expected the presence of God was in the place. When I arrived home I was challenged to finish the message.

Part 1: Focus on the conditions we have the block us from having the fullness of God, due to us. As well as charge to go get the filling. We asked for his pouring out of his spirit. 

The transitional piece and likely part 2 was how the water becomes the spring.

He moved on me last night and explained that I need to focus on the aquifers that fuel the well.

Confined and Unconfined. The context of the unconfined and confined is not related to the limit or limitlessness.

In fact he confined is less likely to run out because only certain people with certain tools can get to it.

Just in this moment....Confined aquifers are protect by usual a layer rock that is impermeable. Once through water on the other side is often purer and mineral rich.

Parallel : The layer of rock to go thru for man is the flesh and the water Christ gives drills beyond the natural into the spirit and taps into the portion that God has for you. A well of your own cistern.

This Morning

Confronted by some feelings of loneliness. It was very weird to have done what I did and spoke in the manner I did with everyone and still feel like I am by myself. I prayed that the Lord would give me friend. And before I could get past the first light on Euclid he reminded me of someone who has maintained a fairly certain rate.

God begin to explain to me that he sent him into my life and he wanted me to stretch out to reach to him regular. Like Monday Wednesday Friday kind of thing. 

" You mapped to your father habits. The reason he is the way he is because he gives and gives no reciprocates and it makes bitter and he retreats. It should not be like that. You have to give and stretch to receive giving stretching. Make it evident."

As I arrived into work this morning I was moved by some music and the holy spirit almost picked up where he left off at last night. A quiet time to hear his voice is amazing and the hunger is real.

End of Fast

End of Day 1

I feel no more strength yet no weaker. The fatigue is beginning to set in.

I have not spent much time in the word or in.prayer when needs to change if I am going to complete this fast.

The Lord had me confess my sin to my wife and ask her forgiveness. The process set the tone for her to do the same. Although we both are yet conflicted are still very much in love.

We still desire each other and want what is best for our family. We have a ways to go but we have come very.

My parting comment is this. When the lord told me he wanted to dig a well in me...it reminded me of the prayer that Bishop prayed over me when I was being ordained.

Some how he sensed what God had vested me with. He noted my history with my grandmother, father and grandfather. The well is deep...and even now I can hear the lord.

"The well is full of sweet waters for you and others to enjoy..."

Lord give me drink of this water. Not me but what you have vested in me. In this moments teach me to be wholly leant on you. I need you and I trust you.

Oh lord I desire a double portion.
Have you way.

Here waiting....

Midday Fast Break

I broke today. I think what happened was i begin to rely on my own strength rather than God providence in my life.

Not sure but I was told if I do break...I break to veggies....I broke on potato chips which I am beginning to regret.

But the nagging thing is not the food or the fact that I broke ( still frustrating)

This passage of scripture.

John 4:5-15
5Jesus came to a city of Samaria, which is called Sychar, near to the parcel of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph.
6 Now Jacob’s well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with His journey, sat thus by the well; and it was about the sixth hour.
7 There came a woman of Samaria to draw water. Jesus said unto her, “Give Me to drink.”
8 (For His disciples had gone away unto the city to buy meat.)
9 Then said the woman of Samaria unto Him, “How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest a drink of me, who am a woman of Samaria?” For the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans.
10 Jesus answered and said unto her, “If thou knewest the gift of God and who it is that saith to thee, ‘Give Me to drink,’ thou wouldest have asked of Him, and He would have given thee living water.”
11 The woman said unto Him, “Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. From whence then hast thou that living water?
12 Art thou greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank thereof himself, and his children and his cattle?”
13 Jesus answered and said unto her, “Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again,
14 but whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.”
15 The woman said unto Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.”

The Lord was very clear about the well he was trying to get me to be aware of. This passage is context for John 7:38 which says if you believe on me as the scriptures have said. Out of your belly shall flow rivers of a living water. 39 John explains living waters means the spirit of God, which was not yet given because God was not yet glorified.

Now the context of the two relate in the tapping into the ethereal need that exists in man beyond his physical need for water. John 4 seems to deal in the conditions and solution and John 7 continues to press the solution rather than condition. John 4 could easily focus on the woman's ( Mans) in ability to meet his needs replacing the hope that God has for us for the temporal reality

Jesus uses the well to illustrate a concept that can be easily perceived if I look. Jesus asked the woman to give him a drink. The woman cited the reason why it ought not happen. Jesus refrains with if you know who was asking for a drink you'd be the one asking for the drink.

In that precise moment....spiritual reality lifted about natural. Woman still focusing on the material and temporal says..the well is deep and in order for me to get what you want I need a tool you dont have. Since you dont have the tool that I need how and from where can you offer me water. She poses a question that intimates greater ability. Are you greater than the one who gave the water from which I drink.

Can this living water that you posses be better than what is right here in front of me? Rather than the mystical source you say you have but still have no ability to get water for yourself.

Jesus closes this section with the statement. What you receive of man will cause you to thirst again. What it is that you are satisfy with natural means is supernatural void and there by unquenchable. What Jesus offered her and me is this.

What Jesus offers to satiate us lasts because it is eternal in nature. The well concept is then fully explained when man does drink from me. The drink become a well springing up into everlasting life. More than the moment. More than the drink. But a flow that I can tap into that will never go dry or fail satisfy my needs.

The drink Jesus gave burrows deep down in my spirit and taps the flow of the holy spirit. Which lasts forever and remains as long as we remain. So then her prayer is the same as mine. Give me the water that makes it so that I dont get the desire to drink of the past, neither to have to do the work drink of the past.

Yet again I pray

Consistent with the truth of your word. Evermore give me drink. I desire of you the water of the holy spirit that flows effortless from you. I realize the moment that I give you all of me that you dig deep. Taking what you lend helps me tap into you. Because the water is your spirit when I invite you in and or invite you to take control. You lead me to still waters and make my soul rest.

Broken Fast....You are still faithful...I still look to you....
I am still desirous of you....

End of Day 1

Day 2 of 5

Is there something that you need to surrender to God today?

This is a scramble for me. But its time. Time is perhaps the most precious commodity I have right now and I have given very little in the past to God. Minutes a day in the word and minutes in prayer but hours in gaming, social media and TV. Its a flat out lie to say I dont have time to give to God. When I can rummage hours for gaming and social media.

What have you been holding on to that you need to give back to God?

Everything. This is cliche but it is so true. A man I find myself quarantining things that I will give God. My wife loves me with reckless abandonment. She does not know boundaries in ways to express her care. It spills over everywhere. When she is mad, or happy or discontented. Even when we got into the other day. She wanted me to near to her.

As I think about it I think thats the point. God has been saying the word "Entrapped" and locked in. Could it be that driving force of my entrapment is my desire misdirected in things temporal. I need Jesus.

Prayer

Oh Lord its becoming evident I have deep need for you. I dont have the words to say to you express my need for you. I am actually beginning to get angry because I want more. Like my child....I know what I want, don't know what to say. So i give up. I heard you make intercession for me. I need you to do that. I yield my body and spirit and mouth to you.

Here I am waiting....

Day 1 of 5 Reflect

A well God has promised me.

The key to well is that is dug, driven or drilled. A well taps into water already present in the ground. This speaks to the generational blessing from obedience to God for the years in my family. They are the waters of blessing that pre-positions me God plans.

"I will dig a well in you. From the deep you will draw sweet waters and share with others."

" I am chasing and pull foul and bitter things from your soil, things that threaten to make your water impermeable. I am cleansing, you will be clean every whit."

Aquifer within key to the kind of well you have. A dug well cannot go past the impermeable lay or rocks and dirt. Once a well reaches the confined aquifer on only pure water separated from the flowing and changing waters while continue to fill the well.

Dig Deep

My obedience allows me to dig deep and make space for you. Guide my steps.

Thank you.

Day 1 of Five Day Fast

Wonderful way to start off a fast. Mired in a battle with the wife for 4 hours. The good thing that came out was the truth.

It came out in a way that I was in no ways happy to hear or be apart of. But I have lived in denial for far too long. There is no reason for us not be talking about how we feel or what's going on with us.

Perhaps the best moment that I had in the confrontation was explaining why I do what I do. All in one moment I understood the magnitude of my commitment to God in marriage with my wife.

Very clearly put " Marriage is a commitment to God lived out with your wife." When laid out in this fashion it puts the onus on everyone involved to do their part. The key to the conversation is that the definition of marriage consistent with the word of God. Because with out a doubt we bring our own set of expectations to the conversation. If we tune into God and allow him to set the priorities for us.

This is rough but I am happy its happening now it gives an opportunity to settle issues before it becomes a bigger problem later on down the line.

I saw something in my wife that I think its worth discussing.
- Lack of independence
- Lack of willingness to communicate needs directly
- Overall satisfaction of marriage

Lord

This is the moment I take over. When I try to fantasize my way through the moment. The purpose of my fasting this week is to invite you into situations that I would not normally bring you into. I need you to take over. Is it right for me to submit to her a question what she wants the marriage to be? Shall I proceed to teach or explore the word on the topic? How should I go about it?

You are as every bit my husband as I am to my wife. How shall I submit to you in this way? I dont want to offend you by thinking I know what the problem. I just know what I am feeling about this experience. To run from it is my desire, but I dont want to run if there is something for me to learn. I acknowledge you are God and I am not. I invite you to take control. I release my will and control over my marriage and place it safely in your hands.

Oh Lord, You are my lord.
I surrender. A sweet surrender.
Guide me. Make me sensitive and tender toward you.
Lead me. My earnest plea...tell me what you want and how you want it. I will make it happen.

Here I stand waiting...