This is a whiplash thought I believe came from God. I have been a swirl of emotions in these past few weeks. What with all the fighting with my wife, changes in the job and elevation in ministry. I am up and down through the week.
But the pain I felt yesterday was not because of my experience but rather my resentment in that I could not rest. That at the moment when there was a chance for me to put down my guard yet another attack is level against my mind, my heart, and my well-being.
As I have journeyed to do right. I see in my lack. A lack much too sufficient for what I believe to be my calling. But my pastor encouraged me to do something that I thought I was doing. Press on.
It surprised me to know resentment is and can be the very foundation for hatred. No wonder why I am sick and slow. I am bottling up all of this on regular basis. And excusing it by holding on to what I think is fair and unfair to my situation.
The basis of this emotion and a lack of trust in God and willingness to submit to his plan for my life. I have said it many times. Perhaps God is using this circumstance to bring up what is in my heart and mind.
As I reflect on the theme of the well. There is burrowing that is taking place. And certain levels requires harder tools and more intense moment to open the aquifer. The prayer I prayed for the well springing up into everlasting life. The deep well that I asked for is being given and I have been ungrateful for what has been handed me. God's ways are so beyond and past finding out.
RetroActive Reflection
37 In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.
38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.
39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.)
There an important piece here. It's not that belief is the work. It is itself the instrument through which God is glorified.
How then shall we live?
I find within myself the need to purge. As He burrows the layers of my heart the water what I take unto myself cause unsightly things to rise. The lack of pressing on leaves me with only the bad stuff but the process is not complete. I yet have to lie still and remain committed until he performs in me what I desire. Even as the burrow reveals the unsightly thing it invites the best thing to come forth.
Lord,
Give me the patience to be still. Teach me how to surrender. Your Son was obedient even to the point of death. You have not asked me to live. You have asked me to commit suicide and die. So if I do mortify the deeds of the flesh, then I shall live. I sense it now. The old is dying and new life is coming. It doesn't feel like because of its diluted with my resentment, bitterness, pain, doubt, and fear. But I am consistently reminded that your call to come is standing call. It's not one-time situation it is an invitation to come and stay. And allow you to stay with me. LORD. I invite you in.
Please let me make sure you have space to do what you want.
I am yours.
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