Its interesting to me how often I have to think over what going on in front of me before I actually see it. Its called a revelation. I am listening to a broadcast of Transformation Church message called Happily Ever Before. He Highlights some things that helping me cope with where I am currently.
He asserts that God gave man 6 things before he gave me a person. In my case I am going to say performance because it has to with ministry.
1. Presence - The truth north barometer of my position.
2. Place - Where I am NOW.
3. Provision - There is resources for the place you are in.
4. Personality - Dealing the creating the God like character necessary to move forward.
5. Purpose - Deals with more how you are doing what you do , not what you do and where you do it.
6. Parameters - hearkens back to the space but more so the do/ dont do.
7. Finally we get the person or to perform.
The context of this word and combination of the word I have gotten from Pastor Curtain fits like a glove and as much I hate to admit my initial response is wrong. Its not time to leave, it maybe time to break , its definitely time to heal and definitely time to work.
So I will re write my process through the revelation of the word I received.
My past actions have reflected to me that I still have both some growing up and some healing to do. My past pains and experiences have gotten the better of me and it is causing me to see something that may or may not actually be there. I am a casual victim of church hurt. Like most cases when you get hurt as an adult there are things that you are engaging in that you shouldn't be engaging in or there is an oversight by someone else that negatively affects you. In the case of my hurt its both.
There were somethings for which I received correction that is keeping me here but there are other things that I have not come to wholeness in that is pushing me to leave. My desire not to move out of spite, out of God's timing and maintain a positive relationship is forcing me to look at what I honestly did not see. God will often permit circumstances to occur to reveal what is in the heart and I am not willing to see what I am seeing and do anything about it.
In wake of our conflict I have birthed what I believe are some very powerful ministry engagements to which I must commit to birthing fully and walking them out. Some of these engagements will involve Generation Church and some will not but which ever of these do or dont all will get my commitment of time, energy and effort. It is no secret that our time is nearing to an end. The more I grow the more I learn and as a result encounter growing/learning pains which can benefit us both, if we are able to be honest about where we are with each other and with ourselves.
In the past I have waited for validation of my ministry to step up. I am no longer in need of such validation but I do need to heal and come to complete wholeness. Heretofore I have not done what I believed I was called to do in part because of what I was brought into as an elder and other part this pain I am referring to. Either way this is the end of those reasons and that reasoning. I have received of the Lord direction which I intend to carry out. I need to be able to look into the parameter of this relationship to serve as not only protection but feedback and development. If it comes to the point where the work I am engaging begins to conflict on any level with Generation Church we will need to visit the conversation of resignation.
I believe we have reached a level of maturity wherein we should be able to walk side by side doing what God called us to do, without compromising the vision of the church or my ministry. This what I am endeavoring to achieve with you. I must do and be fully I am called to be in the parameters (which still need work) of ministry and where the line is drawn I need to feel your support in the same way you have supported Charles or any of your other friends or ministry partners. This relationship has to be able to do this in order for me to continue to entertain it in its current state.
Its very possible that my hurt has matched up with your weakness. If this is the case then being privy to the trick of the enemy I lean on the scripture that says
" Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10Yet even more in prayer I say
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. - Psalm 51:5-9The enemies goal is to destroy our relationship and keep us both from growing and I wont let that happen. I am determined to maintain a positive relationship with you that will withstand the coming transition. I would hate to have that commitment alone but I dont mind doing that because I know this will honor purpose for which God has sent it.
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