Processing The Moment

Some time ago I received a church hurt from a ministry that I served in. The details of this hurt vary between a sheer lack of experience from both parties and wrong actions as well. The long and short of the story was that I was being treated like a hireling and I had more to offer. I learned a value lesson about why humility is God's way of introducing a new path of unity. I learned that it is important to forget that my loyalty does not lie with the ministry but the one who sent me and I can never forget to be the sure to please the person who put me there. However i did not process the pain of that moment up until a string of our recent conversations. Without knowing it I never actually healed. I just put a band aid on a wound which you just recently jammed your finger into.

My being triggered cannot be your responsibility, but I am not willing to move forward with addressing the hurt and the direction. I received clear instructions to begin to seed house of hope from the Lord and not only that but to do 100% of what God called me to do. To that end I need to be able do 100% of my ministry with you.

If our conversations are ONLY sparked by the things that benefit Generation Church but not me and that is not clear that is going to trigger me. When you are treated like a hireling you feel replaceable, cheap and only present for the person or groups convenience.  Again you dont need to take responsibility for this but I do want to give you a chance to help me heal so I can be prepared for where I am going in the very near future.

I thought the work God gave me would conflict with Generation Church but I am seeing that its not...at least not right now. But if it in fact it does began to impede the work I am actually doing then I will make the decision to split and begin the working solo dolo. I am not reduce my ministry and vision to fit inside of yours. I used to think that made sense...but now I am not sure it does. It would make sense if I  had never done ministry before....or if what I am doing has not been develop and or I have received no training but none of those realities are the case. If I cannot be ALL of what God called to me in the presence of this ministry, with out conflict I fear that this maybe the end of my tenure as assistant pastor and functioning elder of this ministry. There must be mutual benefit for both you and me.

I made a mistake in my naivety waiting for your validation by way of position, by validation of my peer by my eldership at COGIC or even my fathers validation. I will not take step back.

Now before I start this onslaught of ministry I do need to find wholeness in this area. I am not sure what that is going to look like...I haven't gotten that far. But working how I have been working under the condition I have been working in are going to have to change.